NOT OK to go.

So I was supposed to be headed to the Macromedia CFDevCon next week. But I’m not now. For several reasons. It’s in Orlando, FL, and more specifically, in Walt Disney World Resort. Last weekend, the US went to war. This week, there has been an Anthrax ‘attack’ (I put it in quotations as the FBI are treating it as a criminal investigation, but you never know). Checking my passport this morning, I see that it has expired. My Driver’s license is about to expire. Neither one of them would be ready in time for me to get a flight next wednesday, according to the various offices involved. In addition, I am not so well off these days. So all of these things contributed to my decision to not go to Orlando. Fortunately, Macromedia is letting people roll over their conference registrations to next year’s, which is the same dates and same place. And maybe then things will be calmer. Or maybe not. Whichever way, the moment I made this decision, I felt this huge flood of released anxiety. All of a sudden, I felt calm and collected. While thinking about it, a large reason to decide to go was that if I didn’t go, I would be admitting fear & failure. My Mum, who never ceases to amaze me in how quickly she can turn around my concerns into something positive, did this yet again.

A brief sideline. One of my greatest fears is random public death – from a shooting, to a bombing, to being pushed into the street. Lately, this chimera has been rearing it’s ugly head like nobody’s business in my sleeping & waking dreams. It’s been rather traumatic walking across the Granville street bridge (that I have a fear of bridges at the best of times doesn’t help much either) this week. Somehow though, I think that I’ll sleep just fine tonight.