The Daily Obeisance

One should present the offering after 5:30pm and no later than 7:30pm. Any earlier and They shall forget and expect yet another later; any later and one is in danger of having one’s shins clawed, one’s clothes liberally coated in white fur, one’s lap kneaded beyond recognition. There are 3 suitable containers for the offering: First, and preferred, an oblong white dish with smooth rounded edges. This is preferred because the offering can be lapped up, with none getting stuck in a corner. Second, angular dishes with short, but steep, walls. Third, when nothing else is available due to one’s own slothfulness, a saucer. They will voice their displeasure with the saucer by spreading the offering across the surrounding floor. They may also meow pitifully as their attempts to enjoy their meal are thwarted by the very dish it has been served to them in.

The offering shall be provided by Iam. The slaughter will be fowl by preference, beef by default and in dire circumstances, a catch of whitefish will appease them also. If one has been particularly bad, a slice of canteloupe will take you a great distance towards forgiveness.

The offering shall be be served warm: a quarter-circle served up, then carefully mulched into bite-,or tongue-sized pieces for easier consumption. That you are offering only a half-circle in total means that every other night, you will be offering something cold & refrigerated. It is preferred, nay, greatly advised that you heat this chilled offering for 30 to 45 seconds in the microwave. That being said, They will begrudgingly accept the chilled offering. They will voice their displeasure by not consuming the entire offering, and may well demand further treats later on in the evening.

Should one miss an offering, one can expect there to be consequences, the specifics of which are varied and to be feared. A solid night’s sleep shall be your deepest desire at this point; it is also only a pipe dream now.

These nightly offerings will not suffice alone; They hunger on occasion throughout the day and night. Should one wish to have one’s days & nights remain relatively peaceful, one will leave kibble for Them to consume at their leisure. Again, this kibble shall be provided by Iam, after a slaughter of fowl. It is important that when looking in the bowl, they do not see the bottom. The bottom of the bowl is stressful to them, and they will not consume the remainder of kibble. They will instead search you out and complain bitterly about their harsh treatment at your hands.