Things that do not endear your vehicle to me

I am constantly amazed by what (mostly American) car makers think will entice me to buy their cars. Quite often, the qualities displayed in their car ads are reasons to not buy their cars. These things to do not make me what to buy you car:

  • Cops, even if chasing a completely different car, will surround your new car and force you to stop so they can gawk at it, before continuing their chase. So if I buy you car, not only will I be aiding criminals in their pursuits, but I’m likely to be constantly late for appointments as cops pull me over to look at my car.
  • As I drive past things, they come to life, leaving me to be chased by a horde of robotic toys, while destroying some poor cart-vendor’s business; making everyone in my vicinity’s cell phone ring, causing drying laundry to drop off the line, and even make the Golden Gate bridge play music for me, thus sending tremendous vibrations across the bridge deck. Ummm…no thanks.
  • While driving my nice sports car, the exterior will peel off, flaking away as I drive, revealing an uglier sedan underneath.
  • Occasionally, while turning corners, my car will suddenly split into 2 new cars. Ok, that could be cool. Sometimes I wish there was 2 of me. But the scary part is that some random time after that, my doppelgänger car will slam into the side of me, to recombine into one car.
  • Driving your car is apparently so intense that I will get a workout equivalent to running. I like running, I do. But it would not be fun for my heartrate to elevate to that degree everytime I drive my car.

    It should be noted that there are ads that do make me want to drive your car. The current set of VW ads are a case in point – the whole “safe happens” campaign. What with Liam in tow, safety is suddenly a much higher priority for me. I also quite like the (I think) acura commercials where the wipers are automatic, so the driver gains an extra 1/8 of a second to do something. I like the tongue-in-cheekiness of that ad.

    I’m sure there’s tonnes of other car ads that, if taken literally, would make the car a really bad choice. If you can think of any, please feel free to post them in the comments.